TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts

I feel really really tired, and I don't know where to say it. I feel guilty telling my friends, I get invalidated telling my family. So I'm putting it here, for nobody except the few unfortunate people who find themselves here. Either way, please do not worry for me. I feel this way a lot, and I'm still here.

I've felt very stressed and sad. I used to at least feel like I belong online, with other people of similar interests, but as time goes on, everybody is either getting too busy or just not all that interested in staying connected anymore, and it isn't like I can blame them for that. Not everybody, maybe not anybody, relies so heavily on an online presence as I do. It makes me feel pathetic and like kind of a loser.

Nobody thinks about how things might affect me, but maybe I am just not fully understanding them either. Maybe there is a reason people act the way they do. Maybe. Maybe it is my fault. It has to be, at this point, right? Am I really being failed over and over again, or am I the failure? At some point, it can't be everybody else in the world, so it must be me. And that makes me feel guilty that I ever feel mad. I am treated this way because I am a failure. I am fundamentally flawed.

I am having one of those times where I can't stop thinking of death. I can't stop thinking of my body hanging in my closet. I can't stop thinking of bleeding out and dying. Not that my thoughts mean anything. Not even my actions mean anything. I can try killing myself one zillion times and nobody will bat an eye. I bet they wouldn't if I succeeded either. Their eyes are unbattable when it comes to me.

Last night I relapsed. I don't even know what I'm upset about a lot of the time. There's just so much. Is it one thing IDK, or is it everything? The holiday season is coming, and nobody will check up on me, because they never do, they never will, they never have. I think it is making me a little mean. When other people suffer, my brain can't seem to quit with "well, if it were you, they'd do nothing!" Sometimes I shove that away, and try to help anyways. I know it is nicer to help, even if I don't want to, even if they wouldn't do the same for me. But I feel like my soul is crushed into a fine powder and thrown into a fan to blow all over so I can never find it or put it back together again, and even if I tried, no way would it be the same as before.

I miss my friends, but I don't even know who they are. I just miss having friends in general. But I don't want anybody specific, I just want friends. People to talk to me and joke with me and maybe even play games with me, because thats what other friends do. I see people talk about all the fun things and moments with their friends. I want something like that! But it is just so hard for me. I don't even fully understand why. I guess I am just too nervous.

My job is tiring me out as well. It is 3.5 hours of constant work, any break is only a few minutes. Recently I feel like I have been getting slower, and I don't know why. It is upsetting me, because I don't want to weight my coworkers down, but I don't know why I am not as fast as before! I am still working hard, getting tired. Sometimes I feel I might collapse, but I don't, so I'm probably over-exaggerating.

Things keep changing and it feels like so much to me. My dad is getting more conservative. I have messaged somebody from a dating app recently about meeting up, just to hang out, nothing serious, and it made me realize just how terrifying normal experiences feel to me. I am not used to having people spend time with me, or validate my identity. It feels like even to some of my friends, I'm just not worth the time or energy. I can understand, we're adults, we're busy, we're tired. It doesn't change the fact I'm sad. I like to be cheered on, or validated, or acknowledged, or anything at all. I think all it'd take is one positive conversation a day, and maybe then I'd feel content! But the fact is, I am not going to have that many positive conversations, because not many people talk to me. I want to meet up with them so bad, but I am scared if my dad finds out he will act weird about it, even if he is the one telling me I should go out more. I am terrified of roping in people with the risk of my dad finding out about them. My dad is not a pleasant person.

But they know I am non-binary.. And I have only ever had one other irl friend who's known that about me! (Not that we are even irl friends yet...)('yet' is wishful thinking) It is hard for me to imagine a friendship where they actually know who I am. But even if I do meet up with them, they are moving to another country soon... sigh. And the risk of my dad finding out I am non-binary is just so scary to me because I know it would change how he treats me.

Also. Apparently the president destroyed part of the white house?????????? The white house?????????????????? Is there not a rule against that? To build a ball room??? Yeah let me build my race track to go under the Eiffel Tower. Let me make a cafe in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Let's put a Costco at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Like, it is just something that seems like you shouldn't do it. Especially when you are a president who is obsessed with becoming a dictator. I guess that is also stressing me out. What is this hell I am living in???????????

It is not a happy world, nor is it a happy life. I don't know who I am. I don't know if I ever did, I don't know if I ever will, and I don't even know if it is worth figuring out at this point. I am trapped in a world where I don't matter. I am not allowed to escape. God won't let me. He says "you can try and try and try, but no amount of blood sleeping on your hydrophobic blanket with you will kill you, and no amount of tears sleeping on your hydrophobic blanket with you will earn you sympathy."

Sorry, last night I was having a moment, and realized my blood does not soak into my water-proof blanket (tears also don't, which I'd found out a different instance.) It is weird, because the blood looks red instead of purple. Red on blue (the blanket is blue.)

Okay, done for now. I just needed to vent. If anybody read this, I am sorry, but also, thank you, and I hope the day is treating you better than it is me.

Bye for now, hopefully a more positive post soon?