I have felt very agitated and angry lately. When I drive my car (alone) I keep getting frustrated and cursing. I don't know why, I've just felt really upset lately. Yesterday I ate a plastic button. Sometimes I'm not even sure why I do things. I just felt convinced eating a piece of plastic would help somehow, even though I also know that doesn't make sense. It's like I keep having this feeling that I have to do things even if even to me they don't make sense. I don't know. I guess I'm just so agitated nothing feels right or wrong anymore. At this point maybe it's just whatever is least boring. Or least agitating.

I've felt really stressed and tired of life. I went to the store today and bought Magnesium gummies in hopes that they could fix whatever is wrong with me. I am trying to be hopeful and try things out. I need to find something. It's less because I care about my well-being and moreso because I feel guilty for how my brain is being about other people. I want to be easier to tolerate. If I'm negative all the time nobody will want to be around me. And it is getting harder and harder to mask my negative emotions. I'm tired of isolating myself to keep myself from annoying people. I need something to stop my emotions.

I am scared to ask my dad to see a doctor, so I secretly got the Magnesium gummies from the store. IDK if it needs to be secret. But when I'm keeping so many secrets already, what's another? It isn't like I'm being malicious. I bought it with my own money. I just want to be better. I want to feel better.

In other news, I have been super fixated on the Vampires SMP lately. It is just so entertaining! I didn't expect to get so hooked on it, because most Minecraft videos I watch aren't very story-driven? Also one of my mutuals on Instagram has been making GORGEOUS art of it, though I have not been on Instagram much lately, I only redownloaded it because I bought a 70 or 80 dollar commission a few weeks ago and think I should have it in case I'm given updates...

Today it is raining a lot! It's supposed to rain even more tomorrow. Fun!!! Also, somebody smiled to me at the grocery store today, which made me happy. I think maybe, if I wasn't so quiet and scared, maybe I'd really enjoy going out and doing things more. Though I am not really sure what or where.

Next week is student teacher conference week at the school I work at, so every day will be a minimum day. That means I have to go in earlier: 9:15 AM. Not too bad. Usually I go in at 9:30 AM.

Also, I FINALLY found out how to upload a video to youtube from Davinci Resolve!!! Awesome. I want to make Minecraft videos, for fun.

I also want to make either a webcomic or visual novel type thing (like the Bandori stories??? Like. No choices just story.) but I'm not sure which yet....

Well... Guess I will. Think about everything. Or I won't. Only time will tell??? Bye for now!!!