TW: death, suicide, cancer, s/h

If I had a nickel every time a death of a loved one ruined a Christmas trip, I'd have two nickels! Which isn't a lot but its weird it happened twice! (2019 and 2021 respectively) Here I will only talk about one though, my mother's death.

In 2021 was when my mom died from a brain tumor. She'd been battling cancer for years, I think she was diagnosed in 2018, and over the years she was getting treatment, and at some points I even thought she was getting better. At some point in December 2021, she went partially blind, and after a birthday party she had, she collapsed. The following day her speech was jumbled, and she couldn't find the right words to things. She'd call cookies "Christmas tree rocks," and started to only refer to me as a nickname (I'm not sure that she referred to my siblings as anything at all...)

This was the day my family was going on a Christmas trip, on the 23rd. We went, but when we got there it was raining, and all the gifts were on a trailer behind our van. My dad was really frustrated and my mom was in a lot of pain. The days leading up to Christmas were a blur, and I don't think I slept at all.

On Christmas, my mom wanted to go home, so we packed everything up, and my dad started driving. This was a really long drive. At least 8 hours. Thinking about it makes me really sad. My mom was in the seat in front of me, in a lot of pain. I feel like I should've done something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should've told my dad to take her to get help, but she was also already on hospice at the time. She wanted to go on this trip before she died, but part of me wonders if maybe we should've stayed home sometimes. She was having seizures, and she cried, and at some point, and when we got home, she was unconscious.

I wrote in my diary:

"I am probably the saddest today.

So we rode out to the cabin for Christmas on the 23rd. I was unsure it was a good idea because my mom was barely able to walk, even with a walker.

We didn't get there until it was dark and raining. My mom was in pain & my dad was stressed.

On Christmas Eve (24th) I woke up (after barely getting any sleep though) to snow. It was very pretty!

I played in the snow but it hurt my hands cuz I didn't have gloves.

Then we watched Christmas movies! I barely got any sleep again tho.

Today, my mom wanted to come home early. When we got home, she couldn't move and struggled to breathe. Daddy thinks she will die. I told her I love her & I hope she knows it. Goodnight.

-You know. Me. 12:04 AM"

I did end up sleeping that night. I didn't think she would actually die, because what are the chances? Apparently higher than I thought! I still feel bad for not staying up. I genuinely had convinced myself she would be better when I woke up. I don't know if it was denial, selfishness, or if I was just stupid. Also, the "struggling to breathe" I later learned is called a "death rattle." I saw a video on it and was like, oooh. And cried LMAO.

My next entry was on the 27th. I don't feel like putting the entire thing, so here are some parts from it:

"Yesterday, probably between 12:30 AM and 3 AM, my mother passed away."

"It is weird to see the dead body in front of you. It is like they are present & not at the same time."

"I cried during the 11 PM of Christmas, and cried more that morning of the 26th."

"I hope Heaven exists just so she could go there. She's worked so hard. She deserves eternal happiness."

I was very detached and had complicated feelings at the time. It is hard not to feel some form of relief after witnessing somebody suffer for so long. I was devastated I'd never see her alive again, but relieved I'd never have to see her suffer again. I hope this makes sense.

These things can make the end of the year troublesome at times, because you bet the stores are gonna be full of decorations, and the neighborhood, and the music, and the commercials, and the posts online and the conversations I find myself in. There is nowhere that hasn't been infected with the holiday at this time of the year!

I don't necessarily hate the holiday, but it is like I can't avoid the reminder of the time my mom died.

Sometimes I worry it is making me a little apathetic. I try to be considerate, but where is my consideration? Not many people check up on me, if any. I can only hope I am nonfeeling enough to make it though December again. It usually isn't without hanging up a scarf or bleeding a bit, but it's whatever at this point.

I hope everybody has a wonderful holidays. Sorry for such a negative personal post!!!